The follow up

Today I met with a new psychiatrist.  I guess "normal" depressed people usually see an outpatient psychiatrist, so the nice people at Behavioral Health set me up with a follow up appointment with a doctor there.  My counselor hinted that he is a little difficult to talk to, so I was nervous.

I checked in at reception and they handed me some forms to fill out, as well as treatment information that was in comic sans font.  Why do psych offices keep exposing me to things that trigger rage?  I guess comic sans is supposed to be a happy font, even though it is never appropriate for anything professional, especially a hospital!  Anyways, I waited for a few minutes then a nurse took my weight and vitals.  I have already dropped 5 pounds of my "depression weight" so I was very excited about that.  She then talked about how she loves ghost hunting shows, and I told her they made me nervous.

After that, I returned to reception to wait for the doctor.  The Rachel Ray show was on the TV, so unfortunately I was exposed to more rage triggers.  (The Rachel Ray show was later stuck on the TV at the gym, because the universe hates me today.) 

The doctor called me into his office.  I sat down and immediately noticed the half empty bottle of sriracha sauce sitting on his desk without any food next to it.  He had picture frames filled with photos of him with a woman that appeared to be white but was painted like a geisha.  To most accurately describe how he looked and acted, picture Mickey Rooney's character in "Breakfast at Tiffany's", except he was actually Asian.

He asked me a couple questions.  After every reply, he said "OOOoooohhh!  That's good" and looked up and grinned.  It was all I could do not to giggle.  The only time he didn't make that reply in response to my answers was when I mentioned I wasn't sleeping since I started taking fluoxetine.  He quickly suggested I take trazadone at night to fix that.  Then he said he wanted to see me again in 3 weeks, and that was that.

I am so glad to be able to find humor in awkward situations now instead of having anxiety attacks.  The difference this medication has made in my life is incredible.  I went to yoga three times this week.  I tried CrossFit.  I have ran 16 miles so far and plan to run an 18 miler in the morning.  I hope this sleeping med works or that's going to be a long run.

Oh my brother, don't you worry about me

Today was my first counseling appointment.  Mr. Crowe's work pays for an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) through the local hospital, which allows employees and their families to meet with counselors for free.  I wasn't nervous about the appointment until this morning.  I am not sure why I was nervous.  I think it was mostly because I didn't know what to expect.  I was afraid the counselor would say there was nothing wrong with me when there clearly is.  I was afraid they would say I just need to pray about it.  I was afraid they would say I was completely frigged up and needed to be institutionalized. I was afraid of the unknown, really.

What actually happened: We went to the hospital extension and accidentally went into the psych room. We were supposed to go the EAP room next door, which I didn't think was public because the door didn't have a window.  We waited, then I met with my new counselor.  I was kind of mad at first because she didn't introduce herself or give me her story, she just started firing questions at me.  Then I realized she was tricking me into talking about my problems without feeling weird about it.  Success!  Having avoided professional help for depression for about 7 years, I've been able to get a pretty good idea about what circumstances of my life bother me and helped create the psychological issues that I have.  The discussion was pretty one sided because I have no problem blabbing about myself. 

I didn't start crying until the counselor said that she really wanted to help me because I am too smart of a person to be wasting my life away.  She apologized for putting it that way, but I completely agreed with her.  It was nice to hear someone recognize what your depression is doing to you instead of sugar coating it to make you feel better about yourself.  She recommended that I see a doctor for medication, but I don't have insurance so that complicates things.  I will be paying out of pocket, but I think I'm okay with that.  It's overwhelming to think of how expensive it is... but it will be worth it if I can get back on track and get a better job, right?  It's so silly how flawed our healthcare system is, but that is another blog, another day.  I plan to meet with her again sometime next week.

Those of you who have read "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" by Jonathan Safran Foer understand what I mean when I say the experience gave me "heavy boots".  Mr. Crowe and I went and got coffee and a cookie (that I didn't need, but also very much needed).  When we got home, I just needed to lay down.  That is pretty much my existence these days.  I forced Max into a cuddling situation, and this was the result.  

I know that things will get better, it's just difficult right now.