Sunday, February 12, 2012
Semi-normalcy
Today and yesterday I felt semi-normal. I got out my camera and returned to Etsy. I watched the most recent Twilight movie (which is something I never in a million years imagined myself doing) with some amazing friends. It mostly amounted to us ruining the movie for the one friend among us who actually cared about the movie. I'm about to go run 12 miles with that friend. It's cold outside, but sunny. I took this picture in my house and just wanted to share. The wreaths on the wall are leftovers from a charity art show I had in December at my old job to raise money for this race I am doing on Saturday.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Down the rabbit hole
I've been on a sort of bender for the last month or so. I've been eating and drinking everything that comes my way, then feeling guilty about it, then feeling too tired or emotional to exercise. Food is, quite honestly, the only thing that distracts me from my bizarre emotions. I've accepted that until I'm medicated, it might be the only thing that helps me get by. But then I've also accepted that this is not a healthy way to live my life.
That's where the guilt comes in. Why does depression have to be so cyclical? The more I eat the more I feel like I need to eat. What a sad existence. I made "take it slow" my motto yesterday and almost had a semi-normal day. I made the mistake of going thrifting which over-exerted me, and my anxiousness drove me to food. I'll get this figured out, someday.
That's where the guilt comes in. Why does depression have to be so cyclical? The more I eat the more I feel like I need to eat. What a sad existence. I made "take it slow" my motto yesterday and almost had a semi-normal day. I made the mistake of going thrifting which over-exerted me, and my anxiousness drove me to food. I'll get this figured out, someday.
photo by ashlicrowe on instagram
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
In the middle of winter...
"Au milieu de l'hiver, j'ai découvert en moi un invincible été." -Albert Camus
("In the middle of winter, I found in me an invincible summer.")
("In the middle of winter, I found in me an invincible summer.")
Oh my brother, don't you worry about me
Today was my first counseling appointment. Mr. Crowe's work pays for an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) through the local hospital, which allows employees and their families to meet with counselors for free. I wasn't nervous about the appointment until this morning. I am not sure why I was nervous. I think it was mostly because I didn't know what to expect. I was afraid the counselor would say there was nothing wrong with me when there clearly is. I was afraid they would say I just need to pray about it. I was afraid they would say I was completely frigged up and needed to be institutionalized. I was afraid of the unknown, really.
What actually happened: We went to the hospital extension and accidentally went into the psych room. We were supposed to go the EAP room next door, which I didn't think was public because the door didn't have a window. We waited, then I met with my new counselor. I was kind of mad at first because she didn't introduce herself or give me her story, she just started firing questions at me. Then I realized she was tricking me into talking about my problems without feeling weird about it. Success! Having avoided professional help for depression for about 7 years, I've been able to get a pretty good idea about what circumstances of my life bother me and helped create the psychological issues that I have. The discussion was pretty one sided because I have no problem blabbing about myself.
I didn't start crying until the counselor said that she really wanted to help me because I am too smart of a person to be wasting my life away. She apologized for putting it that way, but I completely agreed with her. It was nice to hear someone recognize what your depression is doing to you instead of sugar coating it to make you feel better about yourself. She recommended that I see a doctor for medication, but I don't have insurance so that complicates things. I will be paying out of pocket, but I think I'm okay with that. It's overwhelming to think of how expensive it is... but it will be worth it if I can get back on track and get a better job, right? It's so silly how flawed our healthcare system is, but that is another blog, another day. I plan to meet with her again sometime next week.
Those of you who have read "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" by Jonathan Safran Foer understand what I mean when I say the experience gave me "heavy boots". Mr. Crowe and I went and got coffee and a cookie (that I didn't need, but also very much needed). When we got home, I just needed to lay down. That is pretty much my existence these days. I forced Max into a cuddling situation, and this was the result.
.JPG)
What actually happened: We went to the hospital extension and accidentally went into the psych room. We were supposed to go the EAP room next door, which I didn't think was public because the door didn't have a window. We waited, then I met with my new counselor. I was kind of mad at first because she didn't introduce herself or give me her story, she just started firing questions at me. Then I realized she was tricking me into talking about my problems without feeling weird about it. Success! Having avoided professional help for depression for about 7 years, I've been able to get a pretty good idea about what circumstances of my life bother me and helped create the psychological issues that I have. The discussion was pretty one sided because I have no problem blabbing about myself.
I didn't start crying until the counselor said that she really wanted to help me because I am too smart of a person to be wasting my life away. She apologized for putting it that way, but I completely agreed with her. It was nice to hear someone recognize what your depression is doing to you instead of sugar coating it to make you feel better about yourself. She recommended that I see a doctor for medication, but I don't have insurance so that complicates things. I will be paying out of pocket, but I think I'm okay with that. It's overwhelming to think of how expensive it is... but it will be worth it if I can get back on track and get a better job, right? It's so silly how flawed our healthcare system is, but that is another blog, another day. I plan to meet with her again sometime next week.
Those of you who have read "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" by Jonathan Safran Foer understand what I mean when I say the experience gave me "heavy boots". Mr. Crowe and I went and got coffee and a cookie (that I didn't need, but also very much needed). When we got home, I just needed to lay down. That is pretty much my existence these days. I forced Max into a cuddling situation, and this was the result.
.JPG)
I know that things will get better, it's just difficult right now.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
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