Oh my brother, don't you worry about me

Today was my first counseling appointment.  Mr. Crowe's work pays for an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) through the local hospital, which allows employees and their families to meet with counselors for free.  I wasn't nervous about the appointment until this morning.  I am not sure why I was nervous.  I think it was mostly because I didn't know what to expect.  I was afraid the counselor would say there was nothing wrong with me when there clearly is.  I was afraid they would say I just need to pray about it.  I was afraid they would say I was completely frigged up and needed to be institutionalized. I was afraid of the unknown, really.

What actually happened: We went to the hospital extension and accidentally went into the psych room. We were supposed to go the EAP room next door, which I didn't think was public because the door didn't have a window.  We waited, then I met with my new counselor.  I was kind of mad at first because she didn't introduce herself or give me her story, she just started firing questions at me.  Then I realized she was tricking me into talking about my problems without feeling weird about it.  Success!  Having avoided professional help for depression for about 7 years, I've been able to get a pretty good idea about what circumstances of my life bother me and helped create the psychological issues that I have.  The discussion was pretty one sided because I have no problem blabbing about myself. 

I didn't start crying until the counselor said that she really wanted to help me because I am too smart of a person to be wasting my life away.  She apologized for putting it that way, but I completely agreed with her.  It was nice to hear someone recognize what your depression is doing to you instead of sugar coating it to make you feel better about yourself.  She recommended that I see a doctor for medication, but I don't have insurance so that complicates things.  I will be paying out of pocket, but I think I'm okay with that.  It's overwhelming to think of how expensive it is... but it will be worth it if I can get back on track and get a better job, right?  It's so silly how flawed our healthcare system is, but that is another blog, another day.  I plan to meet with her again sometime next week.

Those of you who have read "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" by Jonathan Safran Foer understand what I mean when I say the experience gave me "heavy boots".  Mr. Crowe and I went and got coffee and a cookie (that I didn't need, but also very much needed).  When we got home, I just needed to lay down.  That is pretty much my existence these days.  I forced Max into a cuddling situation, and this was the result.  

I know that things will get better, it's just difficult right now.